Court - the Whole Story

Dear Diary,

I think I'm composed enough now to explain what happened.

John side-swiped a car in the roundabout fiasco, right? Well, when he went over to apologise to the other driver, he noticed a couple of those old leather suitcase-bag things that doctors always used to carry around - according to TV, anyway. Not long afterwards, the guy took off in his one-side-mirrored car and was soon chased by a police car.

It turned out that he was a drug dealer... a fairly stupid one, I would've thought. He had a few kilograms of assorted illegal drugs in those bags, and he obviously hadn't been keeping a low profile because the police knew exactly where he was and when he'd have the stuff. I'm surprised he wasn't on his way to the airport to catch a plane for Bali.

Because John saw the bags on his backseat, John became a witness for the court case. So, the jury needed to hear how he came to see those bags. So John explained that he'd sideswiped the Drug Baron's car because he was feeling dizzy after circling a roundabout numerous times in order to get the car acting as a giant centrifuge to see if it'd help his wife get pregnant. Then the horrible defense barrister asked for the police report of the incident to be read out in court, so that the jury had a further idea of the reliability of this witness... and so the whole court, TV cameras and all, heard all about me lying on the back seat of the car after having sex, with my legs in the air doing bicycle movements, and flashing a police officer. You can see why I don't think I'll ever live it down. But it gets worse... the media blew it all out of proportion and added all sorts of extra, juicy details. Hardly a day goes by without a lurid story about our sexual exploits in one newspaper or the other. Yesterday we'd just had sex and I was carefully doing my upside-down cycling when I saw a sudden flash of light. A media photographer had used a ladder to reach our fourth-storey window and taken a photo of me, naked, bulgy and doing weird upside-down exercises. I hate to think what he's going to do with it. They can't print it in the paper... right?