Tantric Massage - Take 1

Dear Diary,

I'm thinking that maybe massage oil and eastern sexual practices should never be put together.

I bought a book about tantric massage, and decided to give it a go. John was happy to get involved. Of course.

So... I oiled up, checked the book, knelt above John's head and with both hands, maintaining an even pressure, leant forward and lightly but firmly stroked from his shoulders down to his buttocks.

Problem: The book didn't mention how I should keep my balance. My hands got to his bum, the rest of me was hopelessly overbalanced, and the massage oil gave me no traction whatsoever. All of a sudden my hands went up in the air, I fell forward, and ended up with my face plastered in John's buttocks and my pubic bone connected with the back of John's head. Ewww and owww.

John doesn't want any more massages.